September 27, 2026
Well I hit rock bottom. I spent the last three weeks trying to get myself pulled together. I went to therapy, I talked to friends, I surrounded myself with support. I was strong. I sent one adulty and dignified text to my ghoster telling him I wished we could have spoken about all the things instead of the silence, and then I put him in the freezer (or at least a piece of paper with his name on it, just for clarity) and tried to move on. I went on walks. I went on hikes. I drank expensive tea. I read self-help books. I kept myself busy at work and did a good job. I took meds and supplements. I lit incense and candles and charged my crystals in the full moon. I took hot baths full of beads and oils in candlelight. I made myself an alter and brought my pain to it at designated times, with meditation music playing on my little iPhone. I said affirmations, and told myself good job about 200 times a day for even the most mundane things (good job picking up Maudie’s poo, good job cleaning your dish after dinner). I’ve been doing all the things, trying to find my way back to myself. And in a 20 minute period, I washed it all down the drain by getting on Hinge, seeing his profile, sending him an annoyed text asking why he won’t respond to me, calling him, and then sending another text 2 hours later when I was drunk to tell him I’m hurt and I don’t deserve to be treated this way.
On one hand, who gives a damn? He should know that he’s acting like a menace, he should know that he hurt me. Whatever. He’ll survive receiving a phone call and a couple texts from his former situationship on a Saturday. It’s not really harmful behavior, and the most likely scenario is that he read my messages and saw my missed call and felt absolutely nothing. No regret, no remorse, no ownership of his role in any of it. So, whatever. No harm, no foul. What’s he gonna do? Tell the next girl I was a “stage 5 clinger”? That’s what he told me about the one who came before me. Apparently she confronted him at a bar because she ran into him and she was a “clinger”. I now have a hunch that this girl was experiencing the same kind of discard I’ve experienced from him and her “crazy” behavior was probably her reacting to his harmful treatment. I feel for her and I hope she’s okay now. And I feel bad for even for one second believing his perspective on it all. Lord knows, he lied about everything else. He probably lied about her and his role in her pain too.
On the other hand, what a shit show. This has gone so far beyond me missing him…I don’t miss him at all. I’m convinced that he’s a disgusting, terrible person. The issue I’m now seeing is the way I’ve allowed him to make me feel about myself. I’m this attractive, smart, successful woman with striking green eyes and really cute nose freckles, and yesterday I was crying on my bathroom floor, drunk and battling a pounding headache that refused to abate. I have a beautiful, clean home and a nice car and a cute dog, and I’m crying over some loser who blew up his marriage and his family with infidelity and now lives alone in a dirty apartment. I’m trying to become a partner at my company in the next 5 years, and I am having a full blown panic attack over someone who can’t handle the responsibility of texting me back or having a tough conversation with me. And I want a future with this person? I want to grow a relationship with a man who can’t handle his life? With a man who treats me like some dirt on the bottom of his ugly ass loafers. This man showed up for our first date 20 minutes late with the biggest booger I have ever seen hanging out of his nose, 30 lbs heavier and 5 years older than his profile pictures. And I still stayed and let my own joy and humor reflect off of him long enough that I convinced myself he was worth pursuing. He showed up, date after date, wearing the same tacky outfit (PURPLE shorts and a blue polo) and I just looked up at him with googly eyes like he was the sun and I was lucky to be in his rays. Was he wearing the same pair of purple shorts every time? Did he have a drawer full of purple shorts at home? Who knows. Anyway, the point is, I gave this tacky mess of a man a chance that he didn’t deserve, and then I let him convince me that I was trash and unloveable and that all of this pain I am feeling is a result of something I did or did not do. I let him lie to me and I convinced myself that my logic wasn’t real because he was a good person who wouldn’t lie to me. Then in the end, he let me wait and wait for him, and was too cowardly to tell me he was done. And I saw his profile on Hinge, chock full of lies about how he’s a good person and looking in earnest for love, and I felt rage. Fucking rage.
FUCK THIS. I am so sick of feeling like shit. I’m sick of giving chances to men who are not even in the vicinity of my league. I’m not saying that to be vain or conceited – there are a lot of pretty girls in the world. But I have things to offer, dammit. But every time I meet a new man who makes me laugh or has physical chemistry with me, I shrink myself to be who they might want. I hide my success. I don’t talk about my job and listen to them drone on and on about theirs. I cook for them so they feel taken care of. I make myself available and change my plans to accommodate their pathetic schedules – as if an hour of my time isn’t 3x as expensive as theirs. And when things get hard or painful, I hold on for dear life until I reach a breaking point. Because the pain has to be worth it, right? The pain means it’s working like your dad’s old aftershave, right? Maybe if I hold on, he’ll stop ignoring me. Once he sees how wonderful I am, he’ll plan a date. If I just keep trying to fix him, he’ll stop cursing at his kid. It will get better if I can just hold on, right?
WHERE IS THE FUCKING FUN PART? Where’s the part where someone plans a date for me without me having to answer 10000 questions to help him plan it out? Where is the man who can book a flight for vacation without having to bug me at work to go over all the possible options? Where is the man who will take things off my plate instead of it always being the other way around? Where is the man who will show up? Where is the man who will give a shit if I am hurting and will at least help me find closure and understanding when the relationship ends? Where is the man who will take responsibility for his own past and his own mental health without using them as excuses for being shitty? I’m sure these men exist because I’ve seen them in the wild. My brother-in-law, my boss, my dad – they are all like this. When will I find one who can fucking stand me AND will treat me the way I treat him? It’s so hard to find both in my experience. But I will tell you right now. I am done with this circus where I feel like shit every day of my life because I can’t find him. I am done resting my head on my bathroom rug while trying to catch my breath over some man who SHOULD BE CRYING OVER LOSING ME. But more importantly, why am I not strong enough to believe these things when they matter – before I end up in the fetal position on the floor?
Three years ago, I wrote a really nice article called Rebecca’s Love Equation. If you follow me on Instagram, I shared it earlier today in a story because I have been re-reading it and thinking about it all morning. I had such a good attitude in that piece. I was so set on making dating fun again, and I solicited advice from my readers to try new things. But I never followed through on it because I met my ex (not described above, different one) shortly after I published it. I guess the reason I keep thinking about it is that I don’t want to date. I’m really scared. I’ve never been hurt like this before and the thought of going through it again is killing me. I hate being at rock bottom. That person I was yesterday is my least favorite person on planet Earth. I don’t like being her. And I am afraid that the apps and all this modern dating nonsense is going to cause me to drive myself further into a hole of despair. But the issue is, I can’t give up because a partner and love is something I want. I want to love and be loved so badly – you have no idea how much it weighs on me. I have a heart that is open and ready for love, but I am so scared of what else might happen to me on this journey while I try to find it. I have to resist the urge to hide away and protect myself because if I do that, I will never get it.
So – I am going to re-open Rebecca’s Love Equation and crowd source some ideas from my friends. The original goal with the experiment was to bring joy back into dating. Your job is simple – send me some ideas for specific places I can go to potentially meet new people, activities I should try, challenges I should do, connect me with your cute single friends (even women you know who might want to do these activities with me!), or just send me good vibes/affirmations. If I get some good ideas and engagement, I’ll go out and do the things, and then write about them. If I’m going to keep subjecting myself to this search, I have to find ways to make it fun and light. Your inputs will be completely anonymous unless you identify yourself and request otherwise.
Here’s the link to the survey: https://pollev.com/rebeccacrouch376 Help your girl out.
