September 20, 2026
If you follow me on Instagram, then you know my little puppy gave me a scare when she had a seizure last week. She spent some time at the vet, and then I brought her home Friday night. I had a big weekend planned, but ended up in a form of house arrest to make sure she was okay. We ventured out to a little farmer’s market this morning, but for the most part, we’ve been in the house resting. She seems to be feeling much better, but she was a bit pitiful and lethargic yesterday.
What I realized while I was on house arrest is something I haven’t felt in a while – I LOVE my house. I spent most of my day yesterday working on my Deloitte laptop, and found myself conflicted about which cozy spot in my house I should choose for planting myself. My big comfy bed with the fancy lap desk my mom got me for Christmas? My fuzzy recliner with the Halloween episodes of Roseanne playing in the background? My kitchen table in my pristine white kitchen? My little pink office with the pictures of Paris on the wall? My little bistro table on my balcony? I have so many beautiful, cozy spots – it was hard to choose!
When I was still in the throes of my summer situationship, there was a period of time where my gentleman caller put me on ice. He needed some time to work through some personal things and I assured him that I wasn’t going anywhere. Then he forgot all about me, got back on bumble, ghosted forever…really nice stuff. But when I was on ice and I still had hope in a future with this person, I didn’t really know what to do with myself. So I cleaned. I cleaned every inch of this house. I cleaned out my freezer and pantry, I did all my laundry, I scrubbed baseboards and shampooed my carpets. And when everything was clean, I started re-vamping my space. At the time, I was envisioning cozy nights where this gentleman would come over and drink sour beers with me while watching House of the Dragon, and I decorated and added color and warmth with that dream in mind. I hung pictures, I bought new patio furniture. I strung up little pink twinkle lights on my balcony and added a colorful outdoor rug and a beautiful fake hydrangea. I bought vases and filled them with beautiful, fresh flowers. I put Febreeze plug ins all over the house so the whole place smelled like fall. Everything was perfect, and just right for company to come over and be entertained.
Now, obviously, he’s not coming over. I did all of this work with him in mind, wanting to create a space where he would feel at home. And now I get to spend a lot of lonely nights here instead. But the good news is…this place rocks now! It’s so nice. It’s so nice, in fact, that “You have created a beautiful and peaceful environment for yourself” is one of the affirmations I repeat to myself over and over when I need to reassure myself or calm my nervous system. I wish he was coming over to sit on my balcony and sip on beer with me, but I don’t need him to enjoy this space. And I can’t wait to have people over to see all the little perfect touches I have added. In fact, if you’re reading this, invite yourself over. We can watch tv or craft in my craft room and make a dent in my fridge full of beer that I’m not allowing myself to enjoy when I’m alone. Seriously. Call me up.
This got me thinking about some of the silver linings that I can see in all of this mess. Over the past month, I’ve had to do some real acrobatics to pull myself out of a deep, dark hole that I crawled in. And some of the things I have done to pull myself out of that hole are actually life changing and super awesome. I’ve learned some things about myself that I didn’t know before. I’ve found some interests I didn’t know I had. I’ve improved my quality of life in some profound ways, and also some tiny and delightful ways. Here are some examples:
- My beautiful living environment (see above)
- I discovered that fresh flowers make me happy. I never think to buy them for myself, but I’ve been filling my pretty vases with new bouquets every Sunday. Worth the money for sure.
- I discovered that I love tea! My therapist told me to drink saffron in tea once a day because it has the same clinical effect as Lexapro. I now have my own little tea kettle and this beautiful little bamboo case full of tea. I really love fruit flavored teas and I also have the daintiest, most beautiful little tea cup that makes me feel very feminine and fancy.
- I learned that I love a farmer’s market. I went to one with Maudie this morning. I love walking around, talking to the vendors, tasting pickles and salsa. It’s also a good place to find fresh flowers.
- I became a better dog parent. I realized that my depression was almost certainly causing Maudie depression of her own. For a bit, we got in the habit of going on super short potty breaks and Maudie had a few accidents in the house because of me. That’s not fair. Getting into a routine that requires a timed walk with her every day (rain or shine) has made her happier. I can tell.
- I tapped into the witchy side of myself. It seems like every weekend I am visiting a metaphysical shop to add to my crystal collection. Last night, I did a little cord cutting ceremony to cut off my attachment to he-who-must-not-be-named. I took my little altar into my bathroom, lit two candles, lit some incense, turned on meditation music on my phone and sat in the dark talking to my bathtub about all the hurt and joy and memories I want to release. Then I cut a string in half to symbolize breaking the ties. Belt and suspenders, I also did a freezer “spell” where I wrote a little note describing my intentions, placed it in a freezer baggie in water and then stashed it way in the back of my freezer. Now whose ass is on ice?! Huh?! Huh?! I know none of this stuff is “real”. I’ve discovered that it’s actually just like therapy you do by yourself. You say what you’re feeling or what you want out loud, and it feels special because you have a candle lit. Everything feels more special when there is fire involved.
- I stumbled upon the power of incense. It smells so good and if I light it while I’m getting ready to go somewhere or while I’m working, I feel very decadent and feminine.
- I’ve been writing more. Not just here, but in my morning pages too. I may not feel better, but I know how I feel, and I can do a better job articulating it when I need to.
- I’m freeing myself up to focus on other things. All of the cleaning and other admin activities I’ve done over the last month (things like applying for my new passport, canceling unwanted subscriptions, getting back on stabilizing meds, just generally getting my life in order because I can control these things completely…) have set me up for uber productivity in other areas of my life. I have a big project starting at work, and I’m also about to take part in a very prestigious Deloitte fellowship. I’ll need to be focused and take good care of myself during this busy time. I feel really confident that everything is all in order and I can dig in on these important things without other BS getting in the way. Being single right now so I can “focus on work” feels right, now more than ever.
I guess this is like…gratitude. I’m feeling really grateful for all of these blessings I have in my life. I’m grateful to be learning things about myself and taking control of the things I do have power over. I’m not grateful that I got hurt, but I’m happy with some of the positive externalities. And I keep reminding myself, there’s no telling what could happen today or tomorrow or the next day. Sure, I could meet incomprehensible tragedy, but I also might also come face to face with the greatest moments of my life – the ones I’ll look back on in 20 years and think “thank goodness old what’s-his-face ghosted me that summer so my path could be cleared for ____________.” Whether that blank space is a romantic partner, or a cat, or a career opportunity, or a community I become a part of, or a foster child, or an old corvette I restore in my garage, or a new friend, or a…whatever- I’ll be ready for it and my heart will be free and open to receive the next great thing.
Cluelessness is the Mother of Invention 