Shut the fuck up, Kyle

September 10, 2026

“That voice that talks badly to you is a demon voice. This very patient and determined demon shows up in your bedroom one day and refuses to leave. You are six or twelve or fifteen and you look in the mirror and you hear a voice so awful and mean that it takes your breath away. It tells you that you are fat and ugly and you don’t deserve love. And the scary part is the demon is your own voice. But it doesn’t sound like you. It sounds like a strangled and seductive version of you. Think Darth Vader or an angry Lauren Bacall. The good news is there are ways to make it stop talking. The bad news is it never goes away. If you are lucky, you can live a life where the demon is generally forgotten, relegated to a back shelf in a closet next to your old field hockey equipment. You may even have days or years when you think the demon is gone. But it is not. It is sitting very quietly, waiting for you. This motherfucker is patient. It says, “Take your time.” It says, “Go fall in love and exercise and surround yourself with people who make you feel beautiful.” It says, “Don’t worry, I’ll wait.” And then one day, you go through a breakup or you can’t lose your baby weight or you look at your reflection in a soup spoon and that slimy bugger is back. It moves its sour mouth up to your ear and reminds you that you are fat and ugly and don’t deserve love. This demon is some Stephen King from-the-sewer devil-level shit.” – Amy Poehler, “Yes, Please”

My friend and I like to play this game where we call our inner voice that talks down to us “Kyle”. We pretend that voice that comes out of nowhere and says the most heinous shit to you, described as a demon by Amy Poehler above, is a dusty man named “Kyle”. We will be out for lunchtime fajitas and margs, and I’ll say something about how awful my skin looks lately or make a crack about how undesirable I am, and my friend will shout “SHUT THE FUCK UP, KYLE!”

Apologies to all the very lovely Kyles out there. But the name really works when you’re trying to imagine a demon from the pits of hell. Because what woman doesn’t have a Kyle from her life she would like to forget? I met mine on a Saturday at a Led Zeppelin cover band show at the Tally Ho in Leesburg. He told me he was crazy about me after a month of dating and then dumped me to be exclusive with someone else the very next day. Fucking Kyle. God he was hot tho. Supppperrrr hot.

Anyway. We call this inner voice Kyle and shout at him like he just tried to steal one of our purses or tell us that climate change isn’t real. The fact that this makes us laugh is one good thing, but another is that the act of calling this negative self-talk out in the moment (and loudly, with gusto) brings to light how often we fall into this pattern of putting ourselves down. I’m the worse offender of the two of us. My sense of humor has been programmed to always be in “self-deprecating” mode, but the way I poke fun of myself is sometimes downright cruel. Here’s a list of things I have made fun of myself for in front of other people this week:

• Not having a family to come home to
• Being old
• Being a piece of shit at work (read my blog from last night)
• Being mentally ill
• Not having any plans (implying that I’m a loser)
• Not being useful during a meeting
• Wearing a pink jumpsuit that makes me look like “a giant bottle of Pepto Bismol”
• Wearing noisy shoes
• Being a picky eater/the worst for not liking Thai food
• Making noise on a Zoom call (I deserved that one)

Those are just the things I’ve said in front of an audience. Here are things I have criticized in myself privately:

• “He ghosted you because you’re undesirable.”
• “No one will ever choose you.”
• “Someone chose you once and you threw it away.”
• “You’re failing at work.”
• “You’re a bad friend.”
• “Your skin is disgusting.”
• “You’re fat.”
• “It’s pathetic that you can’t get over this.”
• “Everyone is tired of hearing you whine.”
• “You don’t deserve to be a mom.”
• “You let your boss down.”

None of that is exaggeration. If I had changed the title of that list to “things my [insert boss, mom, significant other, best friend, literally anyone else] made fun of me for this week or said about me, you’d be like “WTF, REBECCA, TELL THAT PERSON TO FUCK OFF.” But it was me. I said all of it.

My therapist and I chatted about this, and some of the self-talk I have deployed to try to bully myself out of this painful period I have been in. She gave me two affirmations that she wants me to repeat to myself over and over. She said that I should keep saying them even if I don’t believe them, because eventually the message will sink in.

Affirmation 1: “I am stable even when people around me are inconsistent.”

I think she wrote these affirmations before our last session, and thus before I was able to update her on the fact that the man I had been dating this summer (the main inconsistent person in question) had completely ghosted me. So at first it seemed like a bit of a moot point. Disappearing forever is actually painfully consistent, ya feel? But it’s still important to remind myself that before this new turn of events, I was stable in the face of his inconsistency. I showed up for him, I tried to be a pillar of strength when he told me he was going through a hard time. I communicated (or tried to) even when it fell on deaf ears. I asked for what I wanted, I gave feedback when I was hurt. All without hurling accusations or attacking character or passing judgment or losing my cool. I was stable. I am stable. And I can continue to be stable next time I am faced with inconsistent behavior – be if from someone at work, a friend, or a potential partner. I may not be emotionally stable (see the last 4-5 posts on here lol), but for the most part, my behavior toward other people is stable. Even when they hurt me deeply. And that’s cool as hell.

Affirmation #2: “I am building a relationship with myself that is safe.”

Okay, this is the one I might have to fake ‘til I make. You saw the list of heinous shit I said to and about myself this week. If my romantic partner (LOL WHAT ROMANTIC PARTNER, AMIRITE?!) were acting that way, I would be in a very unsafe relationship. I know why she picked this for my second affirmation, though. The inconsistency mentioned above really had my nervous system in a tizzy. This isn’t exactly the other person’s fault – I allowed his behavior to hijack my body. My heart would beat out of my chest while waiting for a text or a phone call. I’d feel physically sick to my stomach over it. A body that felt safe in a situation wouldn’t have these fight-or-flight reactions. Ideally, the next time I put my trust in a man, I will be in a situation that makes me feel safe. But I can’t control that, and despite my best efforts to “pick better”, it could be another terrible situation. I can’t control anyone else but myself. So if I want to be in a “safe” relationship, I have to build it with myself. My head has to be a safe place for me to rest at night, because I can’t fucking evacuate it. I have to put my head on the pillow at the end of the day and feel good about being with myself – because no one else is coming. Which means I have to be living according to my principles and doing all those things that give me confidence that I put in my “me map” this weekend. I have to get to know who I am, fix the parts of me I don’t like, and get comfy with myself. Because, baby, I’m the one. We gotta make this work.

Anyway. If you’re ever out with me and I shout “SHUT THE FUCK UP, KYLE!” and your name is not actually Kyle, then just know that I’m telling that demon in my head to pipe down. Then gently remind me to say my affirmations one more time.