If you’re not mentally ill, you’re a f**king loser

September 4, 2026

On Tuesday at 9 am, I snuck into a call room at the office and posted my little iPhone up against the wall to meet virtually with a nurse practitioner. Shockingly, she seemed even less excited to be at her job than I was to be at mine that day, and she quickly read through a series of questions about depression and anxiety to help me get to a shiny new Lexapro prescription. Question after question, I tried to answer truthfully and vulnerably while being 100% sure that the NP gave zero shits whether I had thoughts about self harm in the last 14 days or not. She barely looked up from her laptop as she jotted down my answers, and the excruciating hour ended with a “You’re only moderately depressed and your anxiety is moderate as well. That’s good news.” Sure, Jan. Greaaatttttttt.

I’m no stranger to depression and have lived periods like this time and time again. It’s almost always driven by life circumstances (being dumped, losing a friend, other types of loss), but presents as physical and chemical symptoms that are really disruptive.

Apparently, here’s how “moderate depression and anxiety” presents in my life:

1. Crying, all the time – taking walks and bathroom breaks in the middle of the work day to cry. Crying in the car. Crying on the phone with my parents. Crying alone in the dark. Crying in the swimsuit section at Target when I thought about all the time I spent arguing with L about bikinis and our rival stances on string bikini bottoms. That time, a lady saw me crying and asked if I was okay, and I said “*sniffle* yes, I just can’t believe they are selling swimsuits this late in the season.”
2. The Watching Dead – Zombie tv marathons. I watched all 9 seasons of Roseanne in 3 days this week.
3. Shots in the afternoon – for the first time in my life, I took multiple shots of vodka in the middle of the day alone in my house just so I would stop feeling. A new life-level unlocked when I felt hungover at 10 pm on a Wednesday. Note: I do not struggle with substance abuse in general, which is why this was a major red flag for me.
4. Being an unreliable piece of shit at work – To my credit, I communicated about this with my boss and took PTO to avoid damage. But I spent the majority of the last two weeks feeling unable to focus on work and perform to my usual level. Luckily I work for the most emotionally intelligent man I know, and he has been very supportive and understanding.
5. Isolation – staying home, canceling plans with friends (or heaving a big sigh of relief when they cancel on me), keeping my phone on Do Not Disturb. Being a bad friend.
6. Heart palpitations and nausea – having moments when the wrong thought can cause my heart to pound out of my chest or send me straight to the commode.
7. Rapid weight loss, loss of appetite, beer for dinner. Skinny, yes, but also weak. Unable to take a punch during a bar fight or save a baby from a burning building (probably).
8. Self medication – Benadryl, ZZQuil, whatever it takes to sleep 12+ hours per day (see point number 3)
9. Brain fog and memory loss – not long term memory loss, short term things like not being able to remember what my client said during a meeting or not recalling what day I told my friend I would meet her for coffee this weekend. Feeling out of it, and like I can’t string together a coherent thought.
10. Zits – my once beautiful 36-year-old skin has been riddled with acne like I’m 15 again.
11. Scrambling for support – trying to find a therapist I can stand, getting back on (prescribed) medication

I dunno, I guess I’ve been going through it. But per number 11 above, I found a new therapist who gave me a list of some things to insert into my routine with the goal of improving my mood a little day-by-day. I don’t feel good, but the fact that I am sitting here at my kitchen table at 9 pm writing this instead of winding down in the little Rebecca-sized indention on my BeautyRest mattress, drowsy with ZZQuil while watching another episode of Roseanne is a huge sign of improvement. Actually, my boss I mentioned above inspired a helpful conversation with her. He knew I was struggling to keep my head above water at work, and he wrote me a list of things to focus on and sent it to me first thing in the morning on Monday. I think he was worried about micro-managing me, but I told him how helpful the list was for focusing my little paralyzed brain and I was able to burn down all the things and enjoy the serotonin boost from crossing things off the list. I told this new therapist about that and she made me a list of homework in the same spirit.

The List:

1. Go outside every day for 15 minutes. Sunlight = good. Indoor bedroom dungeon with the lights out and the blackout shades closed = bad.
2. Take magnesium. I am not sure why but it must be good for you. Magic pills.
3. Drink tea twice a day and sprinkle saffron in it. She read a study that found that the clinical effects of Lexapro and Saffron were equal. Making a cup of tea is also a good way to avoid grabbing a beer from the fridge after work. Yummy.
4. Go try something new – go to a new store or try a new hobby/activity. I bought one of those crochet kits at Target (when I finished crying in the swimsuit section) and planned on that being my new activity. But now I have to actually open the damn thing. Stay tuned, I may find something else to cross this item off my list.
5. Right before bed, write down three things you are proud of from the day. She told me why – something about good feelings before bed helping you wake up and remember that you are capable of doing the good things again or some shit, but it was more scientific than that. The key is that the things you are proud of can be very small like taking a shower or eating three meals or walking the dog.

Not to brag, but I have been CRUSHING my homework so far. Especially the showering part, I am soooo good at hygiene. It seems obvious and simple now that I think about it – having a routine of things to do at the beginning of the day (take meds, drink tea, go outside) and at the end of the day (drink tea, write happy thoughts) sets the tone for the middle of the day where things can get screwy. After a few days of repeating these steps, I found myself instinctively going to my laptop to make my usual to-do list for work – a simple task that has honestly felt herculean lately. I noticed myself smiling more during meetings and felt the brain fog start to clear a bit. I caught myself asking some good questions and cracking jokes.

Let’s see where this week takes me.