Heartburn

January 9, 2022

What does she look like? Thin. Pretty. Big tits. Your basic nightmare.

When I was in high school, I was having a sleepover with my best friend, Megan, and she introduced me to “When Harry Met Sally”. I remember feeling annoyed that we were watching a lame movie from the 80’s. Now it’s one of my all-time favorite movies and I think about Megan every time I watch it. The screenplay for that movie was written by Nora Ephron – an absolute comedic genius and perhaps one of the best writers of all time. You probably know her work. In addition to “When Harry Met Sally”, she wrote the screenplay for some of the films you are destined with watch begrudgingly with your significant other some time in February, including “You’ve Got Mail” and “Sleepless in Seattle”. She also wrote a few movies that don’t prominently feature the unique combination of Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan and Harry Connick Junior warbling in the background such as “Michael”, “Julie and Julia” and “Mixed Nuts”.

I’ve always been a fan of Ephron’s movies. I love telling my friend Jill that she’s at least as good looking as a mailbox, because that was Joe Fox’s (played by Tom Hanks) only expectation when he was about to meet his online paramour in person for the time in “You’ve Got Mail”. If she turns out to be as good looking as a mailbox, I’d be crazy not to turn my life upside down and marry her. I think about there being “too much pepper in my paprikash” every time I get my pepper shaker out of the spice cabinet. I love telling people that I don’t eat eggs because I was a “very willful child” just like Amy Adams’ character in “Julie and Julia”. If I’m quoting a movie, it’s probably something Nora Ephron wrote.

I guess that’s why it’s so surprising that it took me 31.9 years to get around to reading Ephron’s most famous novel, Heartburn but I think the universe put this book in my hands with perfect timing. I found it when I was killing time walking around the Barnes and Noble next to my favorite movie theatre waiting for the doors to open for the showing of “Encanto” I chose on a Wednesday night. If I’m out on a weeknight, chances are that I’m getting a fajita at Uncle Julio’s and catching a movie at Alamo Drafthouse by myself in Ashburn – but on this particular night, I made a pitstop at the bookstore and walked out with a masterpiece in my hand.

The protagonist of the book is 38-year-old Rachel. Rachel is 8 months pregnant, and in Chapter 1, she has just discovered that her husband Mark has been having an affair with a woman named Thelma. When she confronts her husband about his infidelity, she learns that Mark is in love with Thelma and is deciding to stay in the marriage only for the sake of their 1.5 kids. Rachel flees their home in Washington DC to stay with her father in New York City. Hilarity ensues as Rachel deals with the absolute devastation of her situation with Ephron’s brilliant, sardonic sense of humor. The book delves into Rachel’s experience with her therapist and group therapy, and Rachel revels in her chance to be interrogated by the police after her therapy group is robbed at gunpoint by a man who winked at her on the subway. That’s the thing about Rachel that I adore – she is the type of person who survives something harrowing and is excited about it because she gets to tell the story after.

I identify with Rachel in a lot of ways – we are both cynical, sarcastic, opinionated women, who love to write and cook potatoes. Seriously, there’s a whole chapter in this book about potatoes and it was an absolute delight. The thing about Rachel that reminds me so much of myself is her love for telling stories. She has the following exchange with her therapist, Vera:

“Vera said: “Why do you feel you have to turn everything into a story?”
So I told her why.
Because if I tell the story, I control the version.
Because if I tell the story, I can make you laugh, and I would rather have you laugh at me than feel sorry for me.
Because if I tell the story, it doesn’t hurt as much.
Because if I tell the story, I can get on with it.” 

I have read so many books by so many brilliant, insightful people, but nothing has captured me like those words before. I have often been accused of over-sharing things. Being too much of an open book. Just today, I had you all laughing and commenting on a bit of commentary from my date from last night on my Facebook page. Some people might look at that and wonder why I didn’t just keep it to myself. But I think this excerpt from Heartburn is the perfect explanation. No matter how hurtful, or upsetting, or excruciating an experience is for me – if I can sit down and write about it, if I can find the humor in it, if I can use it to make myself laugh or to make you laugh, then the memory loses some of the power it has to hurt me.

The truth is, last night I was pretty upset when that guy left. I was feeling guilty that I let him convince me to lock Maudie in a room. I was feeling disappointed that yet another potential partner was not going to pan out. I was feeling discouraged because I always find myself with men who talk down to me and try to make me feel dumb. I was feeling embarrassed for not having a recycling bin and the way the guy looked at me when he realized it. I was feeling really devastated because I still love Josh and I miss him so much sometimes I can barely breathe. I’m having a hard time moving on. If I focus on that – if I let all the confusing, conflicting, painful things swirl around unorganized in my head, I would never be ok. But I can sit down and write about it in a way that is funny and light, but also real at the same time. I can tell you about it in a way that doesn’t bum you out, but I can still get your support and companionship. I write it down and I have control of it and the way it makes me feel, even if just for a moment or two.

If you are looking for a book to start your new year, I can’t recommend Heartburn enough.