Resurgence

December 5, 2021

I’ve had a hard month. One of those months where life kicks you in the pants and reminds you that you are not entitled to anything – health, happiness, love – all of those things that define your life can change or disappear in a second. You stand there, breathless from the blow, looking around at the resources you have, trying to figure out the best path forward and fighting the urge to run backward toward the life you had yesterday. I recognize I experienced this all in true white-upper-middle-class lady fashion, and maybe my problems aren’t as big as others I have seen. But from the perspective of my cushy, warm life – the last month has been difficult for me. This morning, I felt really overwhelmed by a shocking thought that I had in the shower – I am grateful for this season of difficult.

Grateful feels like a strange word to use right now. It was a word that I focused on intently during some of my previous posts because I didn’t want despair to dominate my headspace. I did my best to be grateful, and expressed thanksgiving in droplets – like sweat dripping during an intense workout, painfully earned and coerced by a sequence of methodical movements. But right now, the grateful feeling I have is pulsing though me, as natural as blood in my veins. It’s filling me up and I’m sitting on my bed resting in absolute peace. I don’t know how long this feeling will last – I know that my tough moments of despair or worry or fear will return, maybe later today or tomorrow or the next day. But right now I am grateful.

I am grateful that the last month has allowed me to reconnect with dear friends. So many of my friends, near and far have rallied around me. My friend Katie is my Ghostbuster who I can call at any hour of the night, and she helps me chase away bad thoughts. My friend Shawna distracts me with stories about her horse and shitty boyfriends of her past. My friend Maggie sends me sweet texts and flowers, and tells me I’m a badass all the time. My sister just keeps telling me everything is going to be ok. My coworkers rallied around me when Maudie was sick, and kept me busy when I needed more to do and took things off of my plate when I was overwhelmed. My friend Kristin is my rock, and speaks difficult truth to me when I need to hear it.

I am grateful for my pseudo-family here in DC that has taken care of me. My friends Luke and Claire have welcomed me into their home and shared their whole family with me. Claire listens to me talk and vent while we run together, and Luke usually hands me an Ale8 and a baby when we return from our loop. They let me join in on family movie night and play with their sweet kids and I feel like I’m at home with my own family. They made me breakfast this morning. We were in a pandemic-friendship with virtually no contact, and all I had to do was reach out one time – and they turned into this tag team of super human support. I cannot thank them enough for this and I look forward to returning the special care and love to them in the future.

I’m grateful that I have things to look forward to. I have family coming to visit next weekend and a 5k race, and holiday parties with my wonderful coworkers this week. I get to go home for the holidays and love on my family, and see little kids experience the magic of Christmas. I have a healthy puppy again, and I have many good years of hikes and walks and licks to look forward to. I have a job that is so thrilling, challenging, exhilarating for me that I can’t wait to get to my office tomorrow to run the code I wrote on Friday. I have an entire life of possibilities stretching out in front of me and that’s pretty damn cool.

Most of all, I am grateful for this opportunity for resurgence. I am not as strong as I want to be – I have wasted a lot of tears and anguish in this season. I feel like I’ve been so slow to take steps toward moving forward, but I am confident that I will learn and grow from this, and I’ll march into the future a little stronger and wiser. I may not feel like “myself” all the time right away, but I’ll keep being me and constantly reminding myself that “me” is a great thing to be.