Notes on Self-Esteem and Gratefulness

November 1, 2021

When I met with my new therapist for the first time a few weeks ago, one of the first questions she asked me was “On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your self-esteem?” My knee-jerk response to this was “Well…it depends on what room I’m in.” I went on to describe to her how I feel like I’m made out of titanium when I’m at work. I walk into that office and feel like I’m the smartest, most competent, put together person in the room. I rock pencil skirts and sleek blouses with high heels, and strut around like I’m the data science queen. Then I described that other times, when I’m outside of work, it’s not like that at all. I feel bad about my body sometimes…maybe a lot of the time. I sometimes feel insecure about my decisions, my attitude, the way I love, the size of my ass, my smile, my writing, how sensitive I am, how much I cry, my makeup application, how dirty my car is, my dog’s haircut…you name it, and I’ve felt insecure about it.

It’s not that I sit around feeling bad about myself all the time. I just notice that I am much more susceptible to creeping feelings of low self-esteem when I’m outside of the comfort zone of work. Maybe its because I get so much positive feedback at my job – I work with people who are constantly hyping me up and celebrating success. I know with perfect certainty when I walk into a meeting that I am prepared for it, and I am likely the expert in the room on the topic at hand. That doesn’t mean that nothing ever goes wrong, or that I never screw up – that’s far from reality. There’s just something about having a set of guiding principles that you learn in your training that help you prepare for workplace interactions, and then also help you deal with fallout when they don’t go so well. It also helps that there’s always someone more experienced than you around to help you figure out tricky situations. Everything is so straightforward and you are surrounded with these wise Yoda’s who guide your path, and that cultivates confidence. Everything is natural and right, and I feel happy to be me.

Then I leave work and go out into the real world for my free time, and I realize that all the other aspects of life are hard. I have a hard time managing the friendships I have, and making friends in your 30’s is really difficult. I struggle balancing my diet and exercise. I can’t find the right shade of makeup to suit me, and always feel like I’m too heavy handed with eye-shadow. I get on the scale too much. My dog misbehaves sometimes and I blame myself. I’m lazy about laundry. I love to write, but feel a knot in my stomach every time I post a blog for fear of sharing too much of myself, or offending someone with opinions. I doubt my decisions and overthink things. I don’t wash my sheets enough. I sometimes get defensive when people offer me advice or disagree with me. I’m a laughably bad driver. I watch too much reality tv. I cry too much and sometimes dwell on my pain and turn it into suffering. I love a little too hard and overwhelm people. I am sarcastic and make bad jokes. No one is more aware of my flaws than I am.

I am sure that you identified with at least some of the things I mentioned above. I don’t think any person is immune to the thoughts that grab ahold of us and make us see ourselves as unworthy or less valuable than others. I think most feelings we experience in life serve some positive purpose – feeling grief and sadness is useful for identifying what you value, and for really appreciating happier times, for example. Feelings of low self-esteem or inadequacy can be useful for helping you aim at the things you want to work on. This is easy when you are looking at problems that have clear solutions – I can wash my sheets more often, I can send my dog to school, I can cultivate a fitness routine, I can watch YouTube make-up tutorials, I can reach out to my friends more and branch out socially. Thinking about yourself critically can really help you make plans to improve. Not all the time, though. I can’t really do anything about the shape of my face or my smile, and I’m not going to absorb enough therapy overnight to change how sensitive or insecure I am in relationships, or address body image issues – and focusing on these things in the meantime only exacerbates the problems. Instead of having a negative emotion that leads to positive change, the whole thought cycle devolves into negative self-talk, which is destructive.

The other issue with being critical of myself is that I never seem to do the opposite. I don’t spend much time fixating on the things about me that are great. I can see them when I think about it. I know that I’m smart and hardworking. I know I’m thoughtful, sweet and generous. I know that I give Maudie a lot of love and a really nice life. I know that I’m a great girlfriend who loves openly and joyfully. I know I’m a good friend. I know that I have built a lovely life. I know I am a good cook when I put my mind to it, and always go above and beyond when I prepare a meal for someone I love. I know that I’m creative and try to make thoughtful gifts for people I love. I know that I’m a good aunt. I know that I look pretty in that maroon dress I bought last month. I know that I’ll still look pretty even if I gain 10 lbs this month or lose 5. I know I kick ass at my job and try my best to guide the people who look up to me. I know that I am good.

Logically, I know all of these things to be true. But when I wake up in the morning, they aren’t always at the top of my mind. I guess it’s like having a hangnail. Your whole body can be in tip top condition- well-rested, clean, healthy, hydrated – but instead of resting in gratefulness for that, all you can think about is the tiny hangnail on your index finger. It hurts. I wish it would heal faster. Why do I keep picking at it? Maybe I should put a bandaid on it. Or maybe it’s something that’s not even real like a painful, little hangnail – maybe it’s just the worry that tomorrow you may not be as healthy, or that decisions you are making today will lead to eventual disability. Dwelling on this hangnail or the possibility that tomorrow may bring chaos doesn’t make the hangnail heal any faster or prevent future pain – it simply distracts. All the while, your healthy body is practically crying out to you. Use me! Let’s go for a walk! Move me to do something kind for someone else! Carpe diem!

I guess we are always going to find things about ourselves that we don’t like and those things are definitely catalysts for low self-esteem. But I, for one, am tired of feeling these emotions that serve no positive purpose and distract me from seizing the day. I think for the next few weeks, I’ll try to reframe my thinking a little bit. I want to spend more time being grateful – not only for the things I have, but for who I am. I want to appreciate myself more. I need to appreciate me the way my coworkers appreciate me and show it every day. I need to stop waiting for that appreciation to come from external places. I want to work on the things I think are deficits in my being, but I want to keep in mind that the hangnails that need to heal won’t keep me from running or jumping or living. I can work on some things (therapy being a really good place to start) without pausing others. I can think about myself less and others more. I can love more and with more intent. I can rest in gratefulness, and also MOVE in gratefulness. I didn’t write this post in honor of the Thanksgiving month, but maybe it’s appropriate. I am grateful for me and I hope you are grateful for you. You are good.