January 20, 2025
Harry Potter taught me how to read in the 90’s. I was home from school with an extended case of mono for what seemed like weeks, and my Mamaw bought me a copy of “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone”. Thus, began an epic journey I got to take with Harry, Ron, and the real heroine of the book series, Hermione (seriously, those other two jackasses would have been dead in the middle of Book 1 without her) all the way up until the final book was released the summer before my senior year. A spectacular, childhood defining movement that fucking millennials LOVE to talk about. I can’t make it through 10 Bumble profiles without seeing a man who either mentions Harry Potter in his bio or has a Harry Potter tattoo on display in one of his photos. We loved the books, we loved the movies, the video game that came out just last year was a huge success, we buy Harry Potter legos and listen to Harry Potter podcasts and go to Harry Potter Wizarding World or whatever it’s called. And then when the author, JK Rowling, came out as an unapologetic bigot, we all tried to rationalize our love for the story that turned us into the readers we are today and separate a beloved story from the hateful hag who wrote it and apparently can’t live and let live even though she falls asleep on top of piles of money every night like Scrooge McDuck. And if you’re like me and you believe there is truth to Kathleen Kelly’s boyfriend’s words in “You’ve Got Mail” when he wrote, “You are what you read,” maybe you returned to the story as a hesitant adult to re-evaluate whether the story was as powerful and triumphant over evil as we remembered. In my opinion, it left a lot to be desired and the placement of Professor Snape on a pedestal of heroism is one of the weirdest literary takes of all time. Being in love with your high school bestie and doing some amount of spy shit to keep her kid alive while simultaneously physically, magically, and emotionally abusing him and his friends is not the hero arc we deserved, but it’s the one we got.
Obviously I have feelings about Harry Potter that have been complicated by real-life muggles. Last year, a friend introduced me to the Potterless podcast, which was a young man’s journey into the world of Harry Potter as an adult who had never read any of the books or seen any of the movies. Mike Schubert had the unique experience that I will never have – the ability to read Harry Potter for the first time as a person with a fully formed frontal lobe, and just enough baggage from life to view the story with a bit of cynicism. The podcast was great. It was so fascinating to hear his take on Quidditch as a true muggle sports fan, and his understanding of Wizarding economics, and his view on JK Rowling herself as her hateful takes came into the spotlight while he was in the middle of recording his multi-year podcast. He has since moved on to the Percy Jackson Series, and also has a delightful podcast about basketball called HORSE.
You can learn more about Potterless and listen to it here: https://www.potterlesspodcast.com
Another popular man topic I encounter on Bumble quite a bit is Lord of the Rings. My “You Make the First Move” prompt for the guys to be able to talk to me first on the app is “Who is your favorite book character and why?” I haven’t been keeping my response data in a spreadsheet or anything…man, wouldn’t that be nerdy? Wink. Wink. But I can tell you some of the most popular responses I get on there:
- Jack Reacher. I honestly had no idea that Jack Reacher was a book character.
- Sherlock Holmes. A lot of cops give this answer and say they like him because he likes to solve mysteries. Which makes sense.
- George Smiley from the John Le Carre novels. I think most of the men who give this answer are spies, but of course they can’t tell me they are spies. But George Smiley was a spy, so this seems like something a spy would say.
- The Hardy Boys. I’ve gotten this one a few times, and I like the answer because I read a lot of Hardy Boys when I was a kid and raiding my mom’s old books.
- Samwise from the Lord of the Rings. Now, this is the part where I’m going to sound like an asshole. Usually when people start talking about LoTR, I mentally check out, so I honestly can’t summarize why these men like Samwise so much. I’m sure they have wonderful reasons, but when I hear hobbit shit, I can’t pay attention.
Obviously number 5 says a lot more about my shitty character than it does about their favorite character, Samwise. But after I got that answer a few times and realized I was being LoTR-avoidant in my potential relationships (hahahahahahahahahahaha), I decided that it is really time for me to see what all the fuss is about. Who is this mysterious Samwise, and why does every man between the age of 28 and 45 feel such a connection to him? Why aren’t they naming the other kid in the story – Elijah Wood? Frodo? His name is Frodo, right? (I know now that it is, but three days ago, I did not). I can’t keep going through life having these guys tell me that I need to read this book to understand them, and “oooh sounds like we need to have a movie marathon at your house”. No, Jake, you’re not coming to my house to LoTR and chill before you take me to dinner. Life will just be easier for me if I man up and read the damn books.
So, I’m reading the damn books! I’m not charismatic enough to start a Sam-wiser Than Yesterday podcast or whatever cute title would be appropriate and have anyone actually listen, but I figure I can write about it a bit at least. Last night, I read the first chapter of LoTR: The Fellowship of the Ring.
Rebecca’s Synopsis of Chapter 1: A hobbit named Bilbo Baggins plans an absolute rager for his birthday party. Bilbo is rich as fuck, and everyone is perplexed by how young he still looks despite the fact that he is turning 111 years old. Frodo is an orphan hobbit whose parents died in a boating accident, and Bilbo adopted him and brought him to live in his Playboy Mansion (Bag End) in Hobbiton. All in all, most hobbits think Bilbo and Frodo are nice guys, especially Ham Gamgee (SAMWISE’s dad, squeal!!!) who seems to think they are just the bee’s knees. Other hobbits seem okay with them, but they also like to talk shit and steal stuff. Anyway, Bilbo is planning this big party and his pal Gandalf (AKA a wizard named Dumbledore) comes to town with an ass ton of fireworks. Bilbo hosts the big party with tons of food and drinks and baller fireworks from Daddy G, and then tells the hobbits that he likes them and they will never see him again. He takes a ring out of his pocket and disappears, and is never seen by another hobbit in Hobbiton again. On his way out of Bag End, Bilbo does run into Gandalf, and they get into a bit of a fight about this mysterious ring – Bilbo wants to keep it and Gandalf insists that he should give it to his heir, Frodo. Bilbo gets a little weird and keeps saying, “My Precious” when he’s talking about the ring, and Gandalf is like “my guy, look at yourself, let this shit go.” Finally Bilbo agrees, and leaves the ring behind for Frodo. Frodo spends the next day trying to get all of these asshole hobbits out of his new mansion he just inherited, and trying to keep them from stealing all the silver. Gandalf pops by at the end of the day to tell him to be careful with his new ring and to keep it safe and use it sparingly (like that credit card your parents gave you for emergencies in college), and then says he’s off to do some sort of thing in a place and that it will be a long time before Frodo sees him again. Here are a few of my initial thoughts:
- When I began, I started off trying to read the prologue – which seems to be like a big history chapter about Hobbits. I’m sorry, but no thank you. I don’t know what version of the book I tried to read the few times I attempted to read this shit when I was a kid/teen and gave up in the first few pages, but I have a feeling that the prologue was the cause of all of my “Did Not Finish” attempts. Because damn, that prologue is boring and long. I skipped it.
- Hobbits are already making me feel better about myself and my station in life. Frodo is turning 33 and he is about to be “coming of age”? That means, in hobbit years, I’ve only been “of age” for ~2 years. No wonder I fuck up all the time! It’s because I’m a baby! Do we know how a Hobbit year compares to a human year? Is Middle Earth a different planet? What’s going on with the astronomy over there? Do we know??? Was all this shit in the prologue?
- My new goal in life is for people to whisper behind my back about how “well preserved” I am for my age. Although, I put on an anti-aging mask when I was Facetimeing my mom tonight and she said, “What’s your goal, to turn into a fetus?” which really meant a lot.
- Hobbit birthdays seem pretty cool, especially that part where your friends have birthdays and they give you gifts. That means you could get gifts almost every day if you were super popular like Galinda. Oops, I’m mixing universes.
- Bilbo’s form of passive aggression is *chef’s kiss*. Before he disappears, he makes a will and leaves all these gifts to his family and friends. But each gift comes with a snarky note and some kind of backhanded meaning. My favorite was when we left one lady a waste paper basket with a note thanking her for all the advice she had sent him in letters over the years.
- I can appreciate Bilbo’s Irish Goodbye at the end of his party, especially when it came to parting with Frodo. I am the absolute worst at goodbyes – they make me act awkward and cold and the person being goodbye-d might even think I don’t like them at all. When in reality, I’m shutting down and I’m not emotionally intelligent enough to make the moment matter. I’m not sure what the gold ring does yet, but if it can get me out of awkward or sad goodbyes, I would like to have one. MY PRECIOUS.
- Bilbo doesn’t really die in the chapter, but his departure is as permanent as death. As such, the Hobbits around him start to deal with his departure in the most human of ways – quarreling, accusing Frodo and Gandalf of foul play, arguing over spoons, searching for the hidden money, and questioning poor Frodo’s legitimacy as a Baggins.
- I didn’t learn much about Frodo in this chapter other than he seems to miss Bilbo a lot, and he has a friend named Merry who is spunky. I like her. I was also surprised to learn that Frodo is an adult hobbit – I always thought he was a teen like Harry Potter.
- Gandalf mentioned someone called Gandalf the Grey – who I assume is his menacing alter ego or something? I am interested to learn more about Gandalf and whether he is as useless and negligent as Dumbledore.
- So far, so good. I ‘m ready for Chapter 2.
Welcome to the Shire, bitches!
Cluelessness is the Mother of Invention 