Love is Not Blind

December 18, 2022

Warning: Potential spoilers for Love is Blind Season 3 ahead. Ye be warned.

One of the things that got me through the first few weeks of the pandemic was Netflix’s entrance into the “trashy reality tv” market. They kept releasing these ridiculous reality shows like The Circle, which was a social media simulation where they brought people to live in an apartment complex and interact with their neighbors through a Facebook-esque platform. That show was particularly appropriate for the time because contestants lived in complete isolation, with only their “friends” in their tiny social media world to provide relief from loneliness – which really mirrored my real life as I was quarantined in my studio apartment in Pentagon City. Then there was the even-trashier show, Too Hot to Handle. The premise of that one was that several really attractive people were sent to live on an island and were promised that after their time on the island, they would get to take home a big chunk of money. They thought they were going to spend a couple weeks in paradise, drinking unlimited cocktails and banging other hot people in the shower every night and also take home a shit load of money for their trouble. The plot twist was that there was no hanky panky allowed on the island, and each time they kissed, cuddled, held hands with, or boinked one of their fellow contestants, the entire group paid a monetary penalty. I watched this entire season on a series of virtual dates with a guy I met on Tinder through the magic of a “Netflix party”, and we each ordered ridiculous food on Uber Eats (Oreo cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory stands out in my mind) while we tried to navigate being single in a world where you couldn’t go on dates or touch other people for fear of a penalty. I guess that show was also appropriate for the time.

The best show was Love is Blind. The premise of this one was that contestants went on dates in “pods” where they couldn’t see their date. The two daters were separated by a wall, and they tried to make real connections without physical attraction playing a role. Contestants went on dates with all of the members of the opposite sex and started trying to narrow down the playing field based on making strong emotional connections. The only way to make it past the “pod” level of the game was to get engaged to someone. Engaged to be MARRIED. Once someone popped the question, the couple would get to meet face to face for the first time and start the process of reconciling an emotional bond with a physical being. Then they got four weeks to live together and decide if they were going to actually say “I do” at the altar, or part ways. The game was further complicated by interactions with the other engaged couples (meaning you could possibly be hanging out with your fiancé and an ex from the pods who didn’t make your final cut). In season 1, we saw a love triangle, a man who was rejected by a nut named Jessica for being too short, a really beautiful couple that needed to be protected at all costs, a telenovela star who told her fiancé that the sex was bad, and a square named Kenny. The whole thing was a good time.

Recently, Netflix dropped Season 3 of Love is Blind, and I couldn’t resist tuning in. The show is a mix of compelling and depressing for a single gal like me, because so many of the conversations they have on the show, both in the pods and outside of the pods are the same conversations you have over and over when you’re dating until you meet someone who likes you, or you die – whichever comes first. The pod part of the season lasts about 3 episodes and you get to watch some of the awkward dates that lead to no where, and you also get to start seeing the “connections” form through these blind dates.

Here are some things people “connect” over in the pods (and on dating apps):

1. Food. Omg you love food?! I love food too, I can’t believe it! Let’s debate pineapple on pizza. “I’m a foodie” is not a personality trait, but we love to treat it like it is. Everyone loves tacos, I don’t know why we need to say that.
2. Fitness. This is a way to cheat the Love is Blind system. Even though your dates can’t see you, if you talk about how you’re super into fitness, people already start imagining how smoking hot your body is. Bartise and Raven from season 3 spent most of their time together talking about fitness, and they even did a little yoga ball workout together. It was actually pretty cute.
3. Traveling. Personally I think listening to other people talk about their travel stories is usually super boring, but people love to connect over shared love for traveling. One of the contestants this season was chronicling his travels, talking about having transcendental sex in Mali or something like that. It was like Eat, Pray, Love but even more gross and pretentious. I’ve been on some dates before where the guy was judging me a lot for never traveling out of the country and very proud of having been to 20 plus countries or whatever. Look, not everyone has had the time or the money to travel that much, and I just don’t think it makes you less interesting or attractive if you haven’t. I would love to start planning some trips though – what a great thing to look forward to with a partner!
4. The Office. Ugh. You could put all kinds of entertainment into this bucket – sports teams, theater, favorite tv shows, board games, video games. But my experience on the dating apps has proven that The Office is very, very important to 27-40-year-old men in the DC area.
5. Hiking. Apparently we all love to hike.
6. Trauma. This is the main thing the couples seem to connect over in this show. I think a lot of people call it trauma-bonding. You tell your date something that you’re insecure about, or some traumatic event from your past and POOF you’re in love.

These little lightning rods of connection make the contestants giddy and excited at first. But ultimately, in the pods and outside of them, the contestants have to face dealbreakers. As their “connection” with a potential partner grows, they start to learn more about each other’s values and goals. Sometimes values and goals are different in ways that are less consequential. Other differences can’t be overlooked. Here are some common dealbreakers:

1. Religion or lack thereof. I get this, because this is becoming more and more of a dealbreaker for me. I was dumped for “not being Jewish” several months ago. Having different religious views can either set you up to be a disappointment to your partner and their family from day 1, or it can be used as a really convenient exit ramp.
2. Desire for children/family values. My favorite character of this season, Nancy wants 10 children and made sure every man she dated in the pods knew that. My answer when someone asks me if I want children is: “I’ve always thought that if I met the right person and he wanted a child AND I thought he would be a good dad, I would have one. But I’m not going to force it or bring a kid into the world with someone who isn’t into it or cut out for it.”
3. Lifestyle. I think this term encompasses a number of things, but the thing that comes to my mind is active vs. inactive. Many people are super outdoorsy, or very focused on fitness and nutrition, and they often can’t fathom sharing a life with someone whose lifestyle doesn’t align. I think cleanliness can fall into this category too. One of the contestants on LIB season 3 walked into her fiancé’s apartment to find that he was a huge slob. He had flies in his toilet and the camera person zoomed in on the flies like it was the Amityville Horror in there. If you’re going to lose your shit over messes and dirty towels on the floor, this can be a dealbreaker for sure.
4. Monogamy. One of the things I’ve noticed on dating apps is that many people are practicing non-monogamy. You’ll see couples on the apps trying to find people to connect with as a pair. You’ll see men who put “ENM” on their profile, which means they practice ethical non-monogamy and their partner knows they are dating other people. I matched with a man once who told me he was married and looking to cheat on his wife to get back at her for cheating on him. This was definitely a dealbreaker for me. My point is, if monogamy is or isn’t important to you, it can be a filter.
5. Politics. I’ve found that I can get along with people across the political spectrum, but I definitely think it makes things difficult. I’ve found myself in positions of having to defend some of my partner’s ugly political values to my friends and it was embarrassing. I regret a lot of those interactions.
6. Height. This is non-issue for me because I’m 5’0”. There are a lot of women who refuse to date men who aren’t taller. Some even have a 6’ or taller requirement. This one isn’t fair, but it’s the world we live in.
7. Must love dogs. If someone can’t get on board with your pets (or desire not to have any), you have to keep moving.
8. Finances. One thing the LIB show really addresses well is finances among the contestants. More than once, a couple has gotten engaged only for one partner to find out that their love-interest is deep in credit card debt, or has no desire to work, or has expectations for a lifestyle they can’t afford. Other times partners are pleasantly surprised to learn that they chose people with lots of savings and badass careers. Division of labor in the household and workforce expectations (stay at home mom/dad, workaholic behavior, etc.) also belong here.
9. Smoking/drinking/drugs. I made out with a smoker one time and it was something I personally couldn’t get over.
10. Sex. People have different preferences, cadences, and desires in the bedroom. Being on the same page as a potential partner can be a dealbreaker.

There are others, but I think these are the big categories that dealbreakers fall into. People do sometimes have weird ones that are less applicable to the general population. I got unmatched on an app once because I said I didn’t like to climb trees. Another time, a guy ghosted me when I told him I like to eat hush puppies. Once I made the mistake of telling a man I didn’t like to cuddle at bedtime. I wonder what he’s doing now.

If you make it past the connection stage and dodge all of the dealbreaker questions, the rest all comes down to physical chemistry and the way you treat each other. In three seasons of Love in Blind, the one thing that is categorically true across the board is that love is NOT blind. In every season there has been a couple who met in person and didn’t connect physically. Jessica from season 1 couldn’t get over how short and not-Barnett her partner was (Barnett was another contestant on the show who rejected her). Shake from season 2 said the lovely Deepti looked like his aunt. In season 3, Bartise couldn’t help but compare the beautiful and spunky Nancy to Raven “the smoke show”. Looks matter, and physical connection matters. I can’t demonize these people for their feelings on the matter – I CAN judge them for the tactless and hurtful way they conveyed these feelings on tv. I’ve been on dates before with people who were perfectly lovely in pictures, and for whatever reason, meeting them in person caused my body to be like “that’s not the one.” It doesn’t mean they aren’t perfectly lovely in reality, but something about the chemistry between us wasn’t right. Love has never been blind in this way – if it were, life would be so much better though.

Season 3 of LIB also shed a little light on how much love can be affected by how YOU feel about your body and yourself in general. One of the most stressful couples on the show was Cole and Zanab. They connected over religion in the pods, met in real life and seemed to really be into each other. But when Cole met another contestant, Colleen who had also been at the top of his list in the pods, he was really taken by her cute ballerina body. He made comments to Zanab about how he was physically attracted to Colleen, but emotionally connected to Zanab. He really stepped in it by saying this and had an awful moment of flirtation with Colleen at a pool party. 25-year-olds, man. What didn’t help was the fact that Zanab was incredibly insecure about her looks. She’s the type of girl who won’t swim at the beach for fear of messing up her makeup, and she was constantly making little digs at herself for her looks and how she looks like a different person without makeup on. It was also really clear that she had some food issues. I recognize all of this in her because I’ve lived it.

At the finale of the show, after Zanab left Cole at the altar and made a really scathing speech about how awful he treated her, she spoke about Cole constantly making remarks about her body and weight. She brought up a story about some cuties where Cole allegedly criticized her for eating too many clementines before dinner, as if worried about her calorie consumption. Cole sat on the stage, absolutely stunned with a big dumb look on his face as if she was speaking German. At the end of the show, they aired the footage from “cutie-gate” and it became clear that her description of the event, while not untrue, was told through the lens of someone who was extremely insecure and misunderstanding intend behind someone’s words. While Cole did ask her about the cuties, the context was that he was apparently taking her to a big dinner at 7 and was telling her that she should save her “appetito” because they were going to go to town on some steak or whatever at the restaurant. But what she heard was “stop eating, fatass!”

I wish I could talk to her, because I know what that’s like – to view the world through the colored-glasses that come with bad body image and disordered eating. It destroys your self worth, but it also creeps into your relationships and interactions and affects them in ways that you can’t see unless you’re on the outside looking in. Reality television gets a bad reputation, and I’m not saying it isn’t trash. But sometimes you can see yourself in the hot messes on the screen, or really relate to all the obstacles of dating and relationships, or motherhood, or “Fill-in-the-blank”. I can’t wait for season 4. I also heard they are filming a season in DC soon, so maybe I’ll be married and instagram famous by this time next year – hopefully hated by the masses for being a true reality tv villain.