A Man of His Word

September 17, 2022

When I find a song on the radio that I enjoy, I’ll often listen to it 500 times in a row until all the joy is sucked out of it and I *may* be able to actually enjoy listening to it again in a year or two. It’s like that time I worked in the Pentagon for a year and ate Subway every single day. It’s been three years and I still haven’t been able to stomach a bite of a 5-dollar footlong. Anyway, I’m currently in the process of sucking all the joy out of this country song that I love called “What He Didn’t Do” by Carly Pearce. It’s a slow, pretty song about a break-up where a woman describes that it was ultimately the things that her partner did not do for her that caused their relationship to deteriorate, rather than anything he DID do.

“Treat me right, put me first, be a man of his word, stay home ‘cause he wanted to; Always fight for my love, hold on tight like it’s something that he couldn’t stand to lose; The devil’s in the details, I won’t tell the hell that he put me through; All I know is in the end it wasn’t what he did, no it was what he didn’t do.”

Nothing too insightful in there, but every time I listen to it (which has been many many times now) I get stuck on that “be a man of his word” line. I had a few dates with a guy a few months ago and on the very first date he made a big deal about being a “man of his word” in the context of dating. He was trying to tell me that he never cancels dates or ghosts because his word means so much to him. Of course, it was no surprise that his “man of his word” integrity-bond to the women of the world didn’t include women named Rebecca. In fact, in a city full of men who blow me off for better opportunities ALL THE TIME, I would say he blew me off the most. Or maybe I simply gave him the most chances. We would make a plan and it seemed like something would always come up. My family needs me to blah blah blah. I forgot it was my friend’s birthday.  I fell asleep after work and just saw your message. This went on for weeks – maybe the entire month of June, before I finally gave up.

This is hurtful behavior, and it’s really common in dating. I’ve had dates cancelled an hour before the agreed upon time, I’ve been ghosted the day of the date, and I’ve been caught in endless rescheduling cycles – “Let’s see, I can’t do Thursday but the 5th of never might work. I dunno, thoughts?” I once found myself sitting on a beautiful little bar patio in Leesburg wearing a pretty blue dress, crying into a cocktail because my date didn’t show up. The sweet waiter comped my yucky drink for me, so my evil plan to get free disgusting drinks alone on a Tuesday night worked, although the mascara running down my face did spoil my party mood. These are just the hijinks you experience in the dating phase. Then you end up in a relationship, and realize that the man you’ve chosen, however handsome and charming and funny, may not be a man of his word. I’ve been cheated on, lied to, and spent more nights alone wondering when/if my partner was going to make time for me than I’d care to admit.

I know the “sisters are doin’ it for themselves” crowd are reading this and shouting at the screen – WHY DON’T YOU PUT THESE MEN IN THEIR PLACE? If I’ve learned anything over the years, it’s that putting people in their place is never as satisfying in real life as it is on Designing Women. I could go all Julia Sugarbaker on them – “JUST SO YOU KNOW, TAYLOR, AND YOUR CHILDREN WILL KNOW, AND YOUR CHILDREN’S CHILDREN WILL KNOW….YOU STOOD ME UP AND *THAT* WAS THE NIGHT THAT THE LIGHTS WENT OUT IN GEORGIA…errrr…VIRGINIA!!! YOU, SIR, ARE NOT A MAN OF YOUR WORD.” Unfortunately, it would fall on deaf ears. Here’s the ugly truth. Taylor the fireman who stood me up may very well be a man of his word. He might be a loyal, trustworthy, kind gentleman with a heart of gold. When he meets the right woman, he may be inclined to do all the things Carly listed in her song for that lady. But he didn’t want to be that person for me. I’m using poor Taylor as a representation of all the men in the DC area, which is not fair, but I doubt he’ll ever read this. But that’s the truth – the way he treated me is probably not a true representation of his character, it’s simply the side of him that he thought I deserved to experience.

That’s a bleak outlook and it can hurt if you dwell on it. You start to compare yourself to these other women that you’ll never see or meet and ask the universe why your favorite asshat is somewhere out there treating some other woman like a queen. How can it be that I keep presenting the best, most-thoughtful, authentic, well-dressed, showered, agreeable version of myself only to receive the worst version of him? I know people will disagree with me on this and say that those other girls aren’t getting anything better than what I got, but I just know that can’t be true. It simply can’t be true that these asshats are asshats all the time to every person they meet and it’s just an asshat city out there.

With the death of Queen Elizabeth II in headlines, my potpourri of podcasts have reminded me of one of King Charles’ most scandalous moments of the nineties. The incident is commonly known as Camillagate and involves a recording of young Prince Charles having a telephone conversation with his well-known mistress, Camilla. Charles was married to the lovely Princess Diana at the time. It went like this:

Prince Charles: He was a bit anxious actually.
Camilla: Was he?
Prince Charles: He thought he might have gone a bit far.
Camilla: Ah well.
Prince Charles: Anyway you know that’s the sort of thing one has to beware of. And sort of feel one’s way along with – if you know what I mean.
Camilla: Mmm. You’re awfully good at feeling your way along.

Prince Charles: Oh stop! I want to feel my way along you, all over you and up and down you and in and out…
Camilla: Oh!
Prince Charles: Particularly in and out.
Camilla: Oh, that’s just what I need at the moment.
Prince Charles: Is it?

Camilla: I know it would revive me. I can’t bear a Sunday night without you.
Prince Charles: Oh, God.
Camilla: It’s like that programme Start The Week. I can’t start the week without you.
Prince Charles: I fill up your tank!
Camilla: Yes, you do.
Prince Charles: Then you can cope.
Camilla: Then I’m all right.
Prince Charles: What about me? The trouble is I need you several times a week.
Camilla: Mmm, so do I. I need you all the week. All the time.
Prince Charles: Oh, God. I’ll just live inside your trousers or something. It would be much easier!

Camilla (laughing): What are you going to turn into, a pair of knickers? (Both laugh). Oh, you’re going to come back as a pair of knickers.
Prince Charles: Or, God forbid, a Tampax. Just my luck! (Laughs)
Camilla: You are a complete idiot! (Laughs) Oh, what a wonderful idea.
Prince Charles: My luck to be chucked down a lavatory and go on and on forever swirling round on the top, never going down.
Camilla (laughing): Oh darling!
Prince Charles: Until the next one comes through.
Camilla: Oh, perhaps you could just come back as a box.
Prince Charles: What sort of box?
Camilla: A box of Tampax, so you could just keep going.
Prince Charles: That’s true.
Camilla: Repeating yourself . . . (laughing). Oh, darling, oh I just want you now.
Prince Charles: Do you?
Camilla: Mmm.
Prince Charles: So do I.

This recording was very scandalous when it was released to the public. I’ll spare you my thoughts about the privacy violation this is and the Panda-at-the-zoo existence that British royalty are subjected to. I also don’t condone the context of this call because it’s a clear cut example of infidelity. I’ve never cheated on anyone or thought about it or wanted to, and I’ve been on the receiving end of this sneaky behavior, so my knee-jerk reaction is to be grossed out. But if I suspend that for just a moment and read this as a conversation between two lovers, I have to say THIS IS CUTE. People act all grossed out by the talk about knickers and tampons and clutch their pearls, but I think it is so so so adorable. These are two people who are just into each other and want to be together. It’s beautiful.

I went down this road because I think Prince Charles’ behavior here is a prime example of what I’m talking about. He’s in relationships with two women and those relationships are like gardens. One of his gardens is lush and green and bursting with life and blooms, and the other is full of wilted plants and the ground is dry and cracked. All evidence points to Charles and Diana having an awful, mean-spirited marriage in which both of them were problematic. But it seems like his relationship with Camilla was beautiful and sexy and full of kindness. His behavior with Diana wasn’t exactly indicative of who he is as a man or a partner – it was indicative of who he was with her. And she was Princess Diana, for Pete’s sake! If Princess Diana’s life was sometimes like a country song, maybe it’s okay that mine is too.

I know that I’ve met some great men in my life – my dad, my grandpa, my uncles, my brother-in-law Joey, my boss and many others. As for the men who have been less than kind to me in this single-journey I’m on – I think some of them may be great guys too. They may be great when they meet a Camilla or as they age, or whatever. At some point, I think timing will be on my side and a man will look at me and decide that I’m a garden worth watering and weeding, and whatever else you do with gardens (I’m not a plant lady, yet). He’ll treat me right, put me first, be a man of his word…and all of that. And maybe he’ll be so enamored with me that he’ll want to live inside my trousers.