September 5, 2022
I got a notification in my email the other day that reminded me that the flat fee I pay each year to own and operate this blog page was being removed from my bank account. I immediately felt some guilt because I haven’t written a post since April. I’ve been going down this rabbit hole of researching the Donner Party and one of the many things that shock me about the immigrants making their harrowing journey west was that they never stopped writing. Even when they were starving, freezing, trying to climb mountains in cumbersome, homemade snow shoes, going snow blind, etc. They still took time to write down their experiences. Now I can use my dainty, manicured index finger to select a book about them that I found on Audible.com and listen to their first-hand accounts of what I hope was the worst year of their life (because if not, woof) while I take a hot bath with a cupcake in my hand. Yet I can barely be bothered to sit down at my 1500 dollar MacBook and jot down a few lines. I guess I should give myself a bit of credit and remember that the Donner Party members had fewer evening distractions from work, whiny goldendoodles and reality television shows about polygamy.
Anyway…hi. I’m back. I started this blog just over a year ago because my boyfriend at the time told me I needed to get a hobby and make some friends. Which was man-code for “get a life” or “please for the love of God, find something to do besides bug me and ask me to be a better boyfriend.” So I started this blog because a new hobby is a much shorter order than new friends. This little landing strip of mine ended up being a nice place of refuge as I navigated some heartache that the aforementioned man thrust upon me and worked tirelessly to “get over it”. My therapist went through a period where she would pull up my own writing during our sessions to help me unpack it, and I was like “DAMN, how dare you read the writing that I published publicly on the internet (and sent you a link to) and hold me accountable for it! Now please take my money!” Just kidding – it was really helpful and constructive. She had a lot of things to say about the “My Life on the Clearance Rack” piece and made me read it out loud in her office. I remember being in tears throughout the entire recital. I re-read that one the other day and was overcome with relief that I’m not in that place right now. In fact, it’s been about a year since I wrote that one and I’m happy to say that *most* days don’t feel like that anymore.
Over the last year, there have been a lot of ups and downs. The bad dates, the good dates, the ghosting, the time I cried into a fancy pink cocktail because someone stood me up at a restaurant, the booty call texts, the lonely weekends, the time that guy called me a bitch because I put up a boundary and stuck to it, the time that guy brought me flowers on a first date and on the second and became a good friend to me, the time I trained for a half-marathon to fill the hours, the time a guy told me I was 15 lbs heavier in real life than in my profile pictures, and… well you get it. A lot of shit has happened. But overall – it hasn’t been *that bad*. Which we all KNEW would be the case. But one year ago today, I really thought things would never stop being “that bad”. But here’s the thing. Sometimes being single is AWESOME. And not because you get to date and have sex with randoms and chat with your girlfriends about your wacky dating experiences – because honestly that stuff is only fun on HBO. But here are some solid, practical reasons being single is the shit:
- You can put tacky decor in your home and no one cares. I recently bought a giant pink Lovesac which clashes with everything I own and IDGAF.
- You can eat what you want, when you want, and don’t have to tell a soul. Look, I’ve eaten a lot of hot wings and spicy pickles this year. Jalapeños are a food group for me. I haven’t spent one second of the last year fretting because I burned the asparagus – because guess what!? No one is coming over for dinner.
- You learn how to do stuff on your own. Now before the totally called-for “Duh”, what I really mean here is that you learn what independence means. It’s not just a Destiny’s Child song about paying your own bills and buying your own jewelry (although, yeah you can do that too). It is the act of taking yourself to dinner, taking yourself to movies, going on hikes, planning trips and adventures – finding ways to treat yourself as good as (okay, way better than…) any partner ever has. It’s about figuring out how to be alone with yourself and enjoying it. If there’s anything I’ve learned this year is that I’m a hell of a good time and I really like hanging out with me.
- If you want a big truck, you get a big truck. I have this joke that I tell at work that goes “Every time someone dumps me, I end up with a larger vehicle. So I have to be careful choosing my next relationship because I don’t think I can park an F-250.” But also, a huge perk of being single is that you get to make large (and small) financial decisions by yourself.
- No cats. I don’t think I need to explain this one.
- Pretty selfies/Thirst Traps without drama. I saw a meme the other day that said something like “You’ve been naked online for a whole year and you’re still single. Get dressed.” and felt personally attacked. But here’s the thing. I spent the first ~30 years of my life believing I was fat and ugly, an idea that was often reinforced by the men in my life. I’m just about over that mindset, and I’m going to post my pretty face and body while I can do so without making someone jealous/uncomfortable/sad.
- Guilt-free naps. If I want to take a nap at 5:30 pm on a Tuesday, that’s totally cool. I have no husband or kids to feel affected by this, and my dog is more than happy to join me. Bonus points if we are in the Lovesac.
- You can truly be “really into your career right now.” I know, I know. Men have said this to me and I just roll my eyes at them because we know it’s more likely that they are just not “into” me. Honestly though, I have been absolutely crushing my goals at work this year. I volunteer to do a lot of extra work because I don’t have many other obligations and enjoy the distraction. Surprisingly, managers like that! I also have this focus on my own growth and the growth of people around me that wasn’t there before. I catch myself saying things like “I’d like to challenge you on that…” or “May I offer a suggestion?” and then look around trying to figure out how Michelle Obama’s voice started coming out of my mouth.
- Girls, Girls, Girls. Boy oh boy, I’m a great friend when I’m single. I am much better at maintaining my female friendships, and super open to making new lady friends. I joined two running clubs this year and have met some absolutely fantastics ladies (and gents) through that. I signed up to coach a Middle School girls running team and our practices start next week. I’m also just generally a better mom to my Maudie girl. Not that I’m *bad* at these things when I am attached – it’s just natural that some balls get dropped when you have new priorities.
- The Queen sleeps like a king. I have an absurd King-sized bed that sits so far off the ground that I have to take a running jump to get on it. I bought it when my ex was still around, thinking it would be nice to have the extra space. I was right! Now that I’m single, I can sleep on whichever side of the bed I want, in the middle, sideways, diagonally, upstairs in the guest bed, on the floor, on the couch, in the Lovesac. The sleep possibilities are endless! I can get up to pee 5000 times a night and no one cares. I can fall asleep listening to gay men talk on podcasts about reality tv, and no one cares. I can flop around like a grizzly bear and snore and talk in my sleep and no one cares. No one cares!
I could go on, but you get it. I don’t think it’s any secret that I’ve been trying to find that single person on earth who fills my life with joy. I want to be loved and desired. I want to be a mom some day if my partner is into that. I want someone to notice when I come home late and miss me when I’m out of town. I’ve been on the apps and off the apps and back on the apps (currently off of them, btw). I’ve worn pretty dresses, cooked steak dinners, put little bows on bottles of Ale-8, all to show up for a date with ol’ what’s-his-name, full of hope and doubt. I’ve put in a lot of effort. But I’ve also been putting a lot of effort into me lately, and really trying to enjoy this time. It’s pretty likely that someone else will come along and it might really be the best thing ever – the gift from the universe that I’ve been waiting for. I am excited for that, but this time I have with myself feels like a gift as well. I know quite a few ladies who met really wonderful partners early in life and maybe sometimes look at my life with the kind of longing I feel when I look at them. I need to remember that and try to suck the marrow out of this season.
Thank you, as always for reading. Drop me a line and let me know what you think!
Cluelessness is the Mother of Invention 