An appreciation post for women in the office
November 10, 2021
“I’m trying to write code, but Rebecca won’t stop talking about her feelings.” This is what a guy at work said (as a joke) a couple of years ago when I was talking about this or that with my team. I was probably talking about what it’s like to date in the city, or detailing an awful tinder date I had over the weekend, or maybe just boo-hoo-ing over something or other. You never know with me. I tend to be an open book in all aspects of life, and have no problem answering the question “How are you?” honestly and openly – and with plenty of detail. Ya know, in a work-appropiate-ish kind of way, at least. I find myself chatting away, dishing out gossip from my personal life, telling spunky, self-deprecating stories about car accidents I almost caused in my morning commute, or detailing my new recipe for pork tenderloin I’m trying over the weekend – only to look up and realize that the men around me are in agony and would like nothing more than for me to zip it and write some code. I get it, guys. Sorry.
I haven’t had another woman on my team at work since 2018. This is not exactly surprising – I work in a very dude-heavy field. Lady data scientists are not unicorns anymore, thanks to the power of STEM initiatives, but we are still less than prevalent. I was at a work event the other day and noticed that by the end of the event, there were two women left in the room and about 30 men. As I was walking out for the evening, my friend made a joke that I couldn’t leave and abandon the other lady – but it was like 9 pm and this old lady needed to be in bed by 10, so I left her to fend for herself.
Now don’t get me wrong. The men I work with and for (see my previous post about Frank, Chris and Steve) are brilliant, funny, supportive, awesome people. I wouldn’t change the composition of my team for anything. In fact, my work-husband who recently switched companies was and is one of my closest friends in DC. He makes me spicy pickles. But over the last few weeks, I have renewed my focus on making lady friends at work. When I was on a different contract a few years ago, I had three other ladies on my team. We used to take morning walks to buy Diet Sunkist at the snack shop on the first floor, and took breaks in the afternoon to walk up and down the stairs. We had happy hours after work, and hung out, went on hikes and took fitness classes together on weekends. We really had an awesome support system in place and built an amazing rapport where we all felt comfortable sharing our authentic selves. It was amazing to work with these smart, successful women and build judgement-free friendships. I want to build relationships like that again.
It’s been a bit of a process, but I’ve slowly been collecting friends in the office by inserting myself awkwardly into conversations with ladies who work on different teams. I usually meet them organically when I’m squatting at a computer I’m not supposed to be on, or in a cross-team meeting. Then I invite them to coffee/lunch at the cafe in our building. Then I make my friend move and invite them to dinner or drinks after work. My campaign has been a huge success and I’ve had dinner with three different office ladies over the last couple of weeks! One of them is a mother of two, one of them is a marathon-runner who broke off an engagement earlier this year, and another is a single lady who doesn’t like her roommate and loves to travel. I have so enjoyed getting to know these people – they are so brilliant and accomplished, with interesting backgrounds. They are also very open and willing to divulge personal details of their lives. They talk about dating, marriage, children, dogs, dreams of owning homes, and their families with abandon. Most importantly, they listen and respond when I do the same.
I don’t want it to sound as if I’m criticizing men for being less open or less willing to listen. I don’t think that’s the case at all. I just think the lines are drawn a bit more firmly for what men are willing to discuss with women at work and how much of themselves they are willing to share. And I think most non-crazy women also have the same boundaries with men at the office (as I said, I’m a bit nutty, so this doesn’t apply to me). So while I am constantly in awe of the gentlemen who write awesome code with me, and make fun of me, and make me laugh until my cheeks hurt – I am super excited to be forging some lady connections at work. It also helps that none of these women are data scientists – we are less likely to talk about gini coefficients over dinner and lemon drops.
In the spirit of my gratefulness theme this month, I feel incredibly grateful that I work with such amazing people, men and women alike. I feel grateful that I am being brave and branching out to make new connections. I’m grateful that my attempts have been well-received and for the fun nights out I’ve had as a result. I’m also grateful for the reminder that I am a fun, likable person – someone choosing to spend time with you when they aren’t getting paid to do so is a huge boost to self-esteem. I’m grateful for my office ladies of the past and present and their kind hearts and open ears, and hopeful that I can provide the same to them.
Cluelessness is the Mother of Invention 